first.thing
by .me.
that’s the hardest.
some people think it’s the evenings,
when the streets go quiet, the cats are sleeping,
and there’s nothing but your own mind
tick
tick
ticking with the days events.
Nights I can handle,
there’s always enough crap on tv to bore me to sleep.
but
first.thing.
that roll over from sleep to awake
when there is no emotion
for a
few.precious.seconds
until
I literally feel my heart sink into my stomach
with the truth
that what I’ve woken up to
is what i fell asleep to.
I guess it’s despair,
a broken heart remembered.
i stop breathing
i clutch my chest, my stomach,
waiting.waiting. it won’t stay long,
but fuck it hurts while it’s there.
I make coffee
roll a cigarette
expose my soul to the rising sun
helps to banish the darkness.
Until first.thing.
Nights were always far worse for me. I couldn’t fall asleep, and I’d wake constantly. My head-voice speaks loudest when it’s dark.
First Thing, for me, was always met with a hangover. Double-despair.
Love you, Star x
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It’s a heartbreaking emotion to feel. So innately sad and desperate and guilt-ridden and bottomless.
I know it won’t go on forever, and I remember the first time I really really felt it – it came back again this morning, and as much as I want to fight it, I know it only comes back stronger.
Each day.
x
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